I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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