nut hugger
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The uberlube is also flammable
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
