I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
