I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
