he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
