new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
