just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
