a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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