First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I will be naked everywhere
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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