That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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