I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
