why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
