Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
