watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We need a shit load of segways right now
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
