I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
