I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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