She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
