Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
