so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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