ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
