My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
