I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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