I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
