he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
