I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
