Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
