On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
