I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
