My Higher Power is John Stamos
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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