I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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