let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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