The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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