I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
