Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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