really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
