I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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