I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
