i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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