Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
