just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Sober January is a disaster.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
