I will die if light touches me.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Randomize
