When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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