Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
