I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
