If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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