Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
