it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
