I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
