I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
