yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
