By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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