Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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